Life was very confusing at such a young age that I attempted on some level to destroy my life by abusing alcohol or by longing to be me but being terrified to be so. I took my own life for granted for so long. I felt so out of place externally, never belonging, that I projected this sense of not belonging onto everyone and everything.I had to learn to dare to reach higher than just surviving this life. I had to learn how to transform from surviving to thriving. I had to evolve from just getting by in life to truly giving the real me to the world.
We must aim higher in order to discover our real selves. In my early days of sobriety, I did not want to just be a person who could survive this life and not drink; I wanted to dare myself into the belief that one day I would be a role model of healthy sobriety. I wanted to accept that it was not my path to be a long-term drinker but that there was a better, more enlightened path for me, and I was not willing to make it a struggle. I had given enough years of my life to apologies and my struggle with alcohol that I did not want to keep giving more years of my life to this.
My life over the years had become one big apology in one form or another, and on a deep level it had to be that way, for I did not know who I was. I always had to apologize for my life, for I had given up my seat long ago. My life had not been mine for a very long time, for I simply did what the influencers told me so I could keep peace around me. I quit drinking, which was a relief, yet as I look back, I realize that this was the easiest part of sobriety. Many people stop drinking yet never spend the time necessary to change the inward ideas that they were trying to drown in the first place.
I had to discover all the emotions I had drowned with alcohol and go through an entire rebirthing process. The alcoholic needed to die so the sober woman could live. The same is true with other experiences when we are healing the energy we have given to the influencers. There must be a spiritual awakening—a name-it-and-claim-it attitude. In other words, behind every apology or awareness of how we have allowed ourselves to be weak, weary, and influenced, we must see the deeper truth: I allowed it.